Tuesday, June 18, 2013
Saturday, June 8, 2013
You know, I have been trying to do something with this blog since 2007. Before I got this one, I had a livejournal (and technically I still "have" it, I'm just not really... using it), and before that, I played around with making one myself. You know, back before it became a big deal.
None of those have really worked. Well, I suppose for me, in a sense they have... but they never really went the way that I wanted them to and I wasn't able to clearly manifest what I saw in my head. In the end I kept blogging because I like one of the side effects, that of being able to keep in touch with my friends far and wide.
I like having a blog when I do something with it. Mostly, it satisfies my need to write and get something out; my methadone for the lack of actual publication.
Mainly, I have a hard time giving up on it because it's been one of many things I've tried... and I think if I just keep plugging away enough, one day I'll get it. One day, I'll know what it is that works for me.
So, hi again.
Friday, May 10, 2013
Monday, April 1, 2013
So I'm back to working on Clara a little more... daily.
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
First... I need a picture. You know, something for inspiration.
However, that's beside the point.
I've been working on the book... or whatever... since NaNoWriMo in November. I'm trying to get it just right, but something is just not coming together. Part of it has to do with rewriting it to find the right voice. With a narrator, it seems too distant, too boring, but when I try to tell it through Clara, it feels a bit forced because, well, I'm not used to thinking like an 8-12 year old.
It's been slow going, to say the least.
So here I am, trying to find a voice and a way to pull the story together, shape it up a little bit.
Sometimes, though, sometimes it just seems EXCEPTIONORDINARILY hard. That's a word I learned from the Clarice Bean books. I highly recommend them for some light reading.
Sunday night I went a bit bonkers... well, a bit more than usual... and I felt like it was all for nothing, a story that wasn't a story... and not very good, at that. I felt like a phony, a charlatan, and I convinced myself that there was nothing for me in writing.
Still, somehow I can't give up. I wish someone would just tell me I'm horrible at it and I should take up something more useful... like stamp collecting, say.
Until then, I'm afraid I'm going to stay in this emotionally abusive relationship between me and my writing.
Jane, get me off of this crazy thing called... writing.
Saturday, January 5, 2013
I've been doing a lot of work in therapy on dealing with old things that I just need to let go and the flashbacks that come with them. I find it akin to having to vacuum up the remnants of a mess you've mostly cleaned up... the key word being, "mostly."
Sometimes, though, when I'm doing such work... I can't help but feel like a monster... or a very mean kitty!
All of the things that I've done
Terrible things...you would never believe
Things that I've done
Oh how you'll run
If you knew a single one
All of the things that I've done
Friday, January 4, 2013
Sometimes my fingers feel too light and part of me panics.
Shouldn't there be a ring there?
So I look down and clutch my hand, scanning the ground briefly. A quick thought passes, zings through me like lightning, and I'm wondering if it fell off or if I may have misplaced it.
Actually looking at that finger, bare as it's been for these past 2+ years, I remember,
"That's right, I don't have that anymore."