Tuesday, June 18, 2013
I like to watch House. I like to watch House a lot.
It's one of my favorite things to do when I'm alone on Saturday, before
I start doing the 101 things that I've told myself that I have to accomplish.
It's the one little thing that I allow myself to do that brings me pleasure on
days by myself. Sometimes I gorge on it, though, then I end up feeling upset at
myself because I was lazy or whatever, and I didn't do what I wanted to/ thought I should do.
What I like about watching House isn't that it allows me to just do
what I want to do (i.e. veg out in front of the TV), but I also like the way the story is
told. There's the story of the episode… and then there's the underlying story
of House... and how the lessons are learned from that particular story of that
episode, affecting the major story of House. You know, the lives of those in
the show, how they're getting on, and the choices that they make day to
day.
Huh... oddly, I've been focusing so long on just the story of my
life... that I forgot about how the framework goes. I'm not sure how to put
that… but follow me on this one.
Recently I started working on a comic with Stephen. By recently and
working on, I mean we've been talking about it and batting around ideas/
stories/ drawings. We found an overall...framework, I guess... to help us tell a larger
story, which will allow for the smaller telling of stories in the meantime.
The large story is comprised of smaller stories that have led the characters to
where they are now.
For so long I've been saying that what I like to write are the small
stories that change our lives, and I haven't really done so. I forgot that
those changes happen... or can happen in such minutia, that I got stuck trying
to tell about the bigger moment. Those happen fewer... and farther between.
Yes, they happen in a second; one moment you're married and then 15 minutes
later, you’re on your way to being separated… with divorce in the not-so-far distance.
Hey, it
costs a lot of money, yo!
Are you happier for it? Is it earth shattering? Is there a way to stop
it… and should you? These are all things that make for a good story. I like
that about life... it's also what I like about writing. Following these
experiences and shaping the framework... and maybe learning something through
it.
Maybe that's the problem I've been having with my life. I forgot that
lessons are little? I've been trying to get to the ending from where the
character/ story started without the middle part... and the middle part is SO
important. That's the good stuff. It's not all about the ending. Generally I
get an idea and I think, “Ok, now I have to figure out how to get her from
having a dream to her attaining it and becoming a famous movie star." Maybe she just
finds that right place for her... OR maybe we just see the struggle.
Things are messy... stories are messy. You gotta let it end where it
ends.
Maybe there are no wrong answers, exactly... maybe if we don't get to
where we think we should be, or don't attain the goal we wanted, that's ok. Maybe
where we end up is ok. Well, unless we end up homeless and a junkie or... just dead...or a junkie and dead.
Yes, there are wrong choices, but you still have a choice to stay that way, or
to change it.
All this time I’ve been trying to force an ending, my happily ever
after, while maybe I just have to see where all this takes me while trying to
reach a goal, and be ok if that goal changes.
Saturday, June 8, 2013
You know, I have been trying to do something with this blog since 2007. Before I got this one, I had a livejournal (and technically I still "have" it, I'm just not really... using it), and before that, I played around with making one myself. You know, back before it became a big deal.
None of those have really worked. Well, I suppose for me, in a sense they have... but they never really went the way that I wanted them to and I wasn't able to clearly manifest what I saw in my head. In the end I kept blogging because I like one of the side effects, that of being able to keep in touch with my friends far and wide.
I dunno.
I like having a blog when I do something with it. Mostly, it satisfies my need to write and get something out; my methadone for the lack of actual publication.
Mainly, I have a hard time giving up on it because it's been one of many things I've tried... and I think if I just keep plugging away enough, one day I'll get it. One day, I'll know what it is that works for me.
So, hi again.
Friday, May 10, 2013
Another long night of writing... (which is actually short because I cycle quickly!)
0 comments Posted by Ceci at 5:17 PM
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I'm attempting to write about what I'm passionate about, and that is my bipolar disorder.
Fuck.
This is as far as it's going to get, isn't it?
... and that's perfect! Except for the bit that's crap.
Monday, April 1, 2013
So I'm back to working on Clara a little more... daily.
"Seems I keep getting the story twisted
So where's Neil when you need him?"
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
First... I need a picture. You know, something for inspiration.
Hold on.
However, that's beside the point.
I've been working on the book... or whatever... since NaNoWriMo in November. I'm trying to get it just right, but something is just not coming together. Part of it has to do with rewriting it to find the right voice. With a narrator, it seems too distant, too boring, but when I try to tell it through Clara, it feels a bit forced because, well, I'm not used to thinking like an 8-12 year old.
It's been slow going, to say the least.
So here I am, trying to find a voice and a way to pull the story together, shape it up a little bit.
Sometimes, though, sometimes it just seems EXCEPTIONORDINARILY hard. That's a word I learned from the Clarice Bean books. I highly recommend them for some light reading.
Sunday night I went a bit bonkers... well, a bit more than usual... and I felt like it was all for nothing, a story that wasn't a story... and not very good, at that. I felt like a phony, a charlatan, and I convinced myself that there was nothing for me in writing.
Still, somehow I can't give up. I wish someone would just tell me I'm horrible at it and I should take up something more useful... like stamp collecting, say.
Until then, I'm afraid I'm going to stay in this emotionally abusive relationship between me and my writing.
Jane, get me off of this crazy thing called... writing.
Saturday, January 5, 2013
I've been doing a lot of work in therapy on dealing with old things that I just need to let go and the flashbacks that come with them. I find it akin to having to vacuum up the remnants of a mess you've mostly cleaned up... the key word being, "mostly."
Sometimes, though, when I'm doing such work... I can't help but feel like a monster... or a very mean kitty!
All of the things that I've done
Terrible things...you would never believe
Things that I've done
Oh how you'll run
If you knew a single one
All of the things that I've done
Friday, January 4, 2013
Sometimes my fingers feel too light and part of me panics.
Shouldn't there be a ring there?
So I look down and clutch my hand, scanning the ground briefly. A quick thought passes, zings through me like lightning, and I'm wondering if it fell off or if I may have misplaced it.
Actually looking at that finger, bare as it's been for these past 2+ years, I remember,
"That's right, I don't have that anymore."
;;
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